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Joke of the Day

"when girls are mad at you they go on twitter and rt something that is the exact reason they're mad...they find it in under a minute too"

"What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies? Q: What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies? A: ""Is ANYTHING all right?"""

"What's the difference between the government and your wife? The government enjoys fucking you Edit: phrasing courtesy of tefkasm"

"Responding to every question with ""deez nuts"" has alienated everyone close to me, but it has been worth it"

"Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it."

"My fridge exploded. . . And there are pieces of de-brie everywhere."

"Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair."

"My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks."

"It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread."

"Sorry neighbor who's choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens."