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Joke of the Day

"*skydiving* Jumper: Where's your parachute? Married Guy: Don't need one J: There's no chance of survival MG: Not trying to beat the odds"

"How I want to die... I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me."

"I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. What high hopes you have !"

"Why was Nancy always on top when the Reagans made love? Ronald Reagan always fucked up."

"Now responding to all ""hello"" DMs with ""Adele?"""

"I got my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it."

"Jesus went to Wal-Mart He couldn't believe all the savings."

"Life is so unfair. Why does eating make you fat? Killing people should make you fat. Being an asshole should make you fat. GOD WHY EATING??"

"My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.."