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Joke of the Day

"Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn't let her kid eat cheese for dinner. This cheese is delicious."

"Never trust somebody with a degree in child psychology to cut your kid's hair. They're therapists who'll groom your children."

"You know your getting old when ... Rough sex is fighting for the bottom."

"What do you call a starfish with a missing arm Patrick Stump"

"[cat shelter] Me: so u don't test for it but u say none of them have it? Owner: we've never come across a cat with martial arts training, no"

"Some people say I have no idea how to run a court room. I'll let you be the judge."

"My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues... but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the ""what is this shit"" look."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The ""p"" is silent."

"I got 99 karma but link ain't one."

"I bought these sneakers from a drug dealer... He must have laced them with something because I've been tripping all day!"