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Joke of the Day

"Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year Looks like I'm in store for a wild December"

"Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have."

"WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*"

"[God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders"

"My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in a few seconds for christmas So I bought her a nice sports car."

"I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I'm scared, but my zipper is broken and I've had too much botox on one side."

"Why will Donald Trump never have an amputation? Because you can't stump the Trump."

"a human mens penis has not evolved in hundreds of years, im going to take it to strange new places. i'll improve the dick. ill make it safer"

"Catch a spark... Set the world on fire! - Incinerational Tweet"

"Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!"