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Joke of the Day

"Me: Just so you know, I'm DTF right now. Wife: I don't know what ""DTF"" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?"

"TV needs to stop putting up those stupid ""viewer discretion"" warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance."

"A feminist asked me how I see lesbians Apparently in ""HD"" wasn't the right answer"

"Just took an acting class.... Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player"

"What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild ? A 100$ bill"

"What do you call a medieval dentist? A plaque doctor."

"The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep."

"Arguing with someone spoils your day and mood, increases your blood pressure and is bad for your health. Instead of arguing, Just punch them in the fucking face and be done with it."

"I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking."

"Remember when you were young and everything was new and you were filled with optimism and hope? Anyway here's a new thing to buy from Apple."