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Joke of the Day

"Me: Just so you know, I'm DTF right now. Wife: I don't know what ""DTF"" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?"

"What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? Always have to smell it, never get to eat it."

"I just read that the average person spends 2 weeks waiting for a traffic light to change. Fuck that. I'd run it after 3 or 4 minutes tops."

"Jokes I made up I might keep adding onto this if it gets popular enough :) Q: What did the man say while holding a square shaped clock? A: I'm holding Time Square!"

"What do you do if life gives you melons? You're dyslexic."

"Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet? No connection"

"If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately."

"Where can you go to pick up black birds? The crow bar"

"Has anybody ever seen the Grapefruit technique video? I heard it was directed by Phil Atio."

"""I traded my carpet in for bare floors"" --coworker. ""Oh, me too. I love the shaved look."", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet."