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Joke of the Day

"Women always check me out. The cashiers at the grocery store are so nice."

"I know Tinder is gonna help me meet the right person because all it takes is a mutual like of Virgin America on Facebook."

"Is there as much intelligence disparity in other animals as humans? Does any cow make other cows go, ""That's the dumbest cow I've ever met""?"

"I have a killer penis. Yeah, that's right. It's a mood killer. *sobs*"

"Dammit I forgot my headphones and I'm at the airport wait here's some for 16 million dollars thank god."

"[superhero meeting] ""What's your enemy called?"" ""Dr Doom. Yours?"" ""Joker"" [stifles laughter] ""I HAVE OTHERS"" ""Ye-"" ""Penguin"" [just loses it]"

"Who would you ask for advice about a lion? a lion or a gerbil? The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions."

"[restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or"

"An innovative new alternative to ironing your clothes Look shitty"

"One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you and you're gonna be staring at your phone posting a status about how lonely you feel."