70113

Joke of the Day

"Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia."

"Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford."

"Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to ""make it a double""."

"How do blind people sign contracts? On the dotted line."

"I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her."

"Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he's still in better shape than I am."

"How do you make a baker cry? Kill his family"

"I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like...watch."

"What's grey, has one leg, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you? A kidney dialysis machine."

"Charlie Chaplin called I couldn't hear him though."