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Joke of the Day

"You ever stick your dick in pecan pie? It's fucking nuts."

"The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix... that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed."

"As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills"

"What's a gay guy's favorite news station? The BBC."

"I don't call it ""laziness."" I call it ""selective participation."""

"Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home"

"I want to wear glasses just so I can take them off and rub my eyes with my palms in exasperation when someone says something stupid."

"I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap."

"""911, what's your emerg-"" ""The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"" ""Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"" ""TAMPI EVERYWHERE"""

"I was so ugly when I was born... ...the doctor slapped my mother."