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Joke of the Day

"[*Wakes up on sofa] ""Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?"" Wife [from bedroom]: ""YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."""

"Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you."

"- Are you even listening to me? - Of course I am - Ok, what did I just ask you? - If I'm listening to you"

"The in-flight movie is about to start. The flight attendant says, ""Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"" ""Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?"""

"To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying"

"There's a chef that doesn't bother putting gloves on before prepping his food Now he's got a lot more thyme on his hands."

"Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you."

"Why are Japanese people all skinny? Because of their national diet."

"The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries."

"Saw two construction workers laughing today... I know what they were really building: Friendship"