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Joke of the Day

"*describes my ideal woman to police sketch artist* ""And I need you guys to find her by 9 tonight cuz this buffet coupon is about to expire."""

"What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt."

"Why do crowd control police go earlier to work? To beat the crowd."

"Why does Tumblr hate symmetrical shapes? Because they can't even"

"Richmond's baseball team had midget wrestling last night, if anyone's looking for a city with rich culture and a progressive vibe."

"I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, you're probably one of them."

"Two things I will never understand the appeal of: 1) Open relationships 2) Hairless cats"

"My ex-girlfriend had a parakeet That fucking thing would never shut up. The bird was pretty cool though."

"A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell ""What's so cool about Star Wars anyway?"", then jetpack through the ceiling."

"What's the difference between a homeless man's testicle and a shot of lidocaine in the ass? One is a bum nut and the other is a numb butt"