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Joke of the Day

"[maid of honor speech] Never thought this day would come! Remember when you came home early & he was wearing your bra & panties [mom faints]"

"I don't really like abortion jokes. The delivery is always sloppy."

"What does a vulture bring onto a plane? Carrion luggage"

"What do white supremacists drink at their rallies? White Powerade"

"How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue."

"People who describe things as ""better than sex"" are having the wrong kind of sex."

"I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home."

"Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me."

"How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer."

"Don't blame me. You're the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters."