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Joke of the Day

"So, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have split up! It's a bit of a Nightmare before Christmas."

"There's nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack."

"What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers? Ahoy M-80"

"So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?"

"My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM."

"I'm so good at making puns they call me the punisher."

"[spelling bee] Your word is ""pneumonia"". ""Can you use it in a sentence?"" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints."

"The dildo I bought didn't come with instructions But I guess it's just plug-n-play"

"[wife crosses out another baby name off the list] What? What's wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?"

"Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break! Age 25: Exercise reduces stress! Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this"