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Joke of the Day

"Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight. Me: So you want less Tarantino... H: ...and more Seuss. M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming."

"I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class The course covers everything"

"""Mrs. Doubtfire"" is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking."

"[dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*"

"New bum For my birthday, I'm asking for a new bum. My old one's got a crack in it"

"A woman on the subway this morning said ""did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?"" So really, we deserve this."

"THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground."

"Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts."

"Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise."

"It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's ""I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive"" moan."