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Joke of the Day

"If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don't freak out. I'm just jamming out to Eminem."

"For every 1 hour I spend with friends, I need 30 days to recover by myself."

"ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well"

"A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings."

"Lady Gaga is so nasty I wouldn't even poke her face."

"Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line"

"Me: You can't honestly expect me to believe this house isn't haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here. Realtor: Those are windows."

"The masochist and the sadist. What did the masochist say to the sadist? ""Hit me."" What did the sadist say to the masochist? ""No."""

"DAD: Think an earthquake's coming. MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know. DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more."

"My girlfriend thanked me for telling her a joke as she hadn't laughed since her mother died I think it was pretty disrespectful that she'd laughed when her mother died."