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Joke of the Day

"I was going to tell you this joke about Matthew Shepard... ...but I'm kind of on the fence about it."

"What's a Jamaican's favorite brand of paint? Benjammin Moore mon"

"What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature."

"Every year I work my ass off to get the kids what they want for Christmas but then That fat bearded bastard gets all the credit. Mind you, It's my fault I married her."

"I've heard they are re-casting Two and a Half Men with 5 midgets."

"And that's why I never argue with my wife. Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school. Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs. Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids."

"Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on."

"Why was Yoda afraid of 9? Because 10 9 8"

"Kill two birds with one stone. Kill two birds with two stones. Kill as many birds with as many stones as you want. We must eradicate birds."

"what's your best oscar one liner? tell me."