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Joke of the Day

"I think I'm just going to date procrastination... It just makes sense, it's been fucking me every day since high school."

"I realized today that my bed sheets are covered in layers of dead skin cells. It's okay though, I'm comfortable in my own skin."

"My gps got me lost today so I got angry and told it to go to hell. I just arrived at my mother in law's house."

"Little Steve runs to his mom ""Mommy mommy, other boys at school are calling me gay all the time"" Mom: ""Why don't you try calling them names too?"" Steve: ""I can't, they're so beautiful"""

"When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order."

"[cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!"

"I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2006."

"What do you call a Unicorn with his horn cut off? a Eunuch-horn! :D"

"What does an Indian boy say to his mum when he goes out? Mumbai"

"What do the janitors clean the Reddit office with? Derpentine."