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Joke of the Day

"if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy"

"I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents."

"FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!"

"Why did Liberace like playing the piano? Because he sucked on the organ."

"Just lean back in your chair and say ""caloric"". It's exhilerating."

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar One says, ""I've lost an electron."" The other says, ""Are you sure?"" The first replies, ""Yes, I'm positive."""

"What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure."

"KFC now offering the Top Kill sandwich! Bacon. Cheese. Mud. Sandwiched between two oily chicken slabs served on a plate of shame"

"How do Asian's name their children? Throw a frying pan down the stairs and listen to the sounds. *Ting tong tow*"