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Joke of the Day

"Friend: ""Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?"" Me: ""Sure"" *walks up to girl* *whispers* ""magnanimous"""

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud"

"While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up. She says ""Why are you rushin'?"" Too which I replied ""Because my grandpa is from Moscow."" Duh.."

"[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] ""Owned"""

"What did the astronaut get instead of athlete's foot? Missile Toe"

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls"

"Why is cowgirl my girlfriend's favorite position? Because she says I'm only good at fucking up."

"AFTER 69 Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash."

"A vulture tries to get on an airplane with a raccoon under each wing. The pilot stops him saying, ""Sorry, you're only allowed one carry-on."""

"So I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today.. I'm expecting a massive vowel movement."