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Joke of the Day

"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive."

"I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would've gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER."

"If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said I wouldn't need a small loan of a million dollars"

"An upscale Asian restaurant called ""Suit and Thai."""

"I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought ""don't get a boner, don't get a boner."" But she did."

"""love is the most powerful force in the universe"" wrong! huge explosions are"

"I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles. Fly is dead."

"How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant."

"I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it."

"I'm often self-deprecating... But I'm not very good at it."