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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the guy that copied a joke on /r/jokes? He insisted it wasn't a riposte."

"I've been clean for 47 days I'm taking daily baths but it's okay because I've been using heroin to cope."

"Hitler on mining ""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"" [Hitler rubs chin] ""So mine less"" [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] ""MINE FEWER!"" [Hitler looks up] ""Yes?"""

"I guess I've cut back on my drinking... Time was, I'd buy a half gallon of bourbon and get drunk four times. Now I buy a half gallon and just get drunk twice."

"I organized a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time."

"(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)"

"Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey."

"Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear."

"I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind"

"I said to my girlfriend, ""Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?"" She said, ""**NO!**"" I said, ""*That's the spirit!*"" Jimmy Carr"