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Joke of the Day

"My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now."

"A one word joke: Lysdexia."

"*catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were."

"SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it."

"Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last tweet. Because, you know... weed and Sudoku."

"Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, ""EAT YOUR CEREAL!"" for example."

"CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up."

"How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead..."

"Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say ""do you know who I am?"" because while I wait I like to be introspective"

"A crime boss works part time selling grass to people in his home city... I went over to his shop and asked if I could help him with his sales. He told me to stay off his turf."