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Joke of the Day

"I have an old resolution 640x480"

"I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter."

"Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done"

"I have high friends in places."

"I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting."

"Tupac Hologram owes me $50 if you see him materialize any time soon tell him I'm looking for him"

"WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief"

"What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven? I think this is a set up!"

"My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from Bristol Zoo."

"TIL Muslim extremists do not like pulled pork sandwiches. whoops, wrong sub."