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Joke of the Day

"Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask ""how's it hanging"""

"Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover."

"Can you imagine life without women? It would be a pain in the ass."

"News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together."

"I wish people who take selfies or make amateur porn would clean up their room first."

"Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit"

"[hitting on hot babe in bar] "".. You're 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you're not gonna believe this.."""

"Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble."

"But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it..."

"My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me."