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Joke of the Day

"Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don't care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD"

"Wait you *must* be the aunt I've heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?"

"""Isn't it strange how we were all once an egg?"" I told my wife. ""Well, grandpa still is,"" interrupted my son."

"Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That's how sound works."

"does the voice recognition on your phone work i don't know im trying to submit a post on reddit please stop talking you're messing me up"

"I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures."

"What never eats at thanks giving? A turkey. Because it's always stuffed."

"I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying ""cut!"" at the end of each scene."

"Grandpa walks into a drug store Grandpa: ""I'd like to buy 99 condoms."" Clerk: ""Why don't you take 100?"" Grandpa: ""Hey, hey! I'm not a rapist!"""

"What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!"