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Joke of the Day

"I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures."

"Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan"

"A chicken and an egg are lying in bed The egg is smoking a cigarette. The chicken turns to the egg and says, well I guess that answers that question."

"Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium"

"What's the craziest ""would you rather"" scenario you've ever heard? Time for some new ones, the classics are getting tired..."

"You know what I like most about people? Their Pets."

"Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door."

"I knew the guy who invented the clothes iron. Unfortunately, he died from being ironed on the face. I still remember the iron-y smell of his blood."

"I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for ""victims""."

"[plane] ""Is there a doctor on board?"" Im a doctor ""Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts ""What?"" Doctor of Fine Arts"