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Joke of the Day

"A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it."

"[At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH"

"Kryptonite They call my dick Kryptonite, Because not even Superman can handle it. Boom!"

"When are the hiest's coming out? THEY ARE NOT!"

"I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today. I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting..."

"The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker."

"My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids."

"this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying"

"Why did Hitler kill himself? He looked at his gas bill."

"Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time"