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Joke of the Day

"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them into a tire and call it a goodyear"

"Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now."

"*eats pizza out of box in bed *falls asleep *wakes up next to leftover pizza Voila! Breakfast in bed!"

"Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it"

"Q: Where do pigs park their cars? A: In porking lots."

"Recently discovered that my local coffee house sells my favorite soup... MISO HAPPY! :D"

"Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults"

"Did you hear Lance Armstrong lied The ball of some people"

"My kids are in Karate class and I'm just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds."

"""How many volunteers do we have for the army?"" ""384 sir"" ""okay round them up"" ""400 sir"""