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Joke of the Day

"I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now."

"Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom? Because they're all dead."

"[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! ""Thanks"" Anytime, pumpkin! ""You're sweet"" You're one in vermillion!"

"A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: All we did was correct his eyesight'"

"Yeah I can take a hint. I'm not going to though."

"When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?"

"It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around."

"I'm afraid of Spotify ruining music the way Facebook ruined friends."

"I love being a gynecologist I find that I'm always hard at work."

"Hillary and Donald are out in a rowboat. The boat capsizes. Who get saved? The United States of America"