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Joke of the Day

"At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator."

"[Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. ""dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT"

"""This went straight to my junk mail for some reason"" = ""I'm lying to you for some reason"""

"Afraid to die alone... ...become a bus driver!"

"Did you know Helen Keller lived in a haunted house? Neither did she."

"My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said ""Dont you mean an African American computer?"" and he replied ""Stop being so PC"""

"Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you."

"damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn't stop* ...et tu, bootay"

"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"When people ask me for advice, I tell them, ""Use your best judgment,"" which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice."