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Joke of the Day

"There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from an incomplete dataset, and"

"I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive."

"The key to being smart is not talking about shit you don't know about. You should try it. Like immediately."

"I just want to feel as important as a person who remains on a phone call through the entire duration of a grocery checkout."

"Girl, are you wearing a diaper? Cause I wanna fuck the shit out of you."

"[house hunting] Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alma ! Alma who ? Alma-nack !"

"Made a special running playlist that's nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I've lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile."

"""I've turned over a new leaf"" ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive"

"What did the electrician say while swimming across a river? ""Oh my God, that's a lot of current!"""