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Joke of the Day

"Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk."

"I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass."

"There should be an app that, in the event of your death, your phone will seek the nearest toilet & submerge itself, destroying all evidence"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take... -Lee Harvey Oswald"

"""Look man, I swear to you, as god as my witness..."" [God appears from behind dumpster] ""I ain't coverin for u anymore Larry, you owe me $30"""

"My Grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo."

"If I had a time machine I'd go back and give myself a bunch of incorrect lotto numbers, and teach myself the value of hard work."

"Just locked eyes with a four year old boy while I violently choked on a piece of popcorn. He didn't look away. He would have watched me die."

"Life is like a penis... Long, simple, and relaxed. It's the women that make it hard."

"Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving? A: The police."