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Joke of the Day

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no"

"What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs? Two pirates"

"Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons."

"If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave"

"[donating blood] Me [feeling lightheaded]: I'm gonna need that back"

"Today I gave my dead batteries away.... Free of charge!"

"The United States government."

"BABY COW: [points at human] What's that? OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula"

"Your mom is like a pile of bricks. Constantly getting laid by Mexicans."

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I slept with a coworker. The bad news is I work at the Dollar Store."