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Joke of the Day

"I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM. I'm not a mourning person. Edit: WHY THE HELL DID THIS MAKE THE JOKES FRONT PAGE"

"My neighbour was about to lose his house. So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity orgy to help him. It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that."

"How do you know if somebody is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you."

"I won a swimsuit contest the other day I ate 57 swimsuits"

"Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with."

"I was at a restaurant and didn't have any money left after paying for my meal. So I tipped the waitress my fedora."

"How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!"

"I used to be a taxi driver. Do you know why I gave it up? I didn't like people talking behind my back!"

"What did the ocean say to the river? ""You can run but you can't tide."""

"Those who say ""two wrongs don't make a right"" have obviously never tried ranch dressing on french fries."