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Joke of the Day

"an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i'm so nervous lol what if he doesn't reply??"

"pregnancy tests should just read ""pregnant"" or ""nope just fat"""

"I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono. At my age I think I should have surround sound."

"A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours."

"How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex? Ring her up and let her listen"

"Absence might make the heart grow fonder; but Absolut makes my clothes go yonder."

"""someone bring me soup."" -every hot girl with a cold ever"

"""Go ahead, caller. . ."" ""Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"""

"3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone."

"Behind every entitled shit-head kid is a parent who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches."