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Joke of the Day

"Whats the funniest joke you know? You."

"If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like: ""I'm not picking this up."""

"Why don't single women fart? Because they only get assholes once they're married."

"I'll never be mad enough to throw my phone somewhere."

"When someone says ""I need this done yesterday"" it's like I'm not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn't understand how time works"

"If Isaac Newton discovered gravity Why isn't he in the credits? (Crossposted from /r/shittyaskscience)"

"What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps)."

"All my sisters ex fiance smoke pot... She just couldn't marijuana them."

"had anyone heard of the new patriot themed beer. I heard it wasn't that good, it was A little flat."

"Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business."