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Joke of the Day

"Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*"

"How come there's a History Channel that tells us what happened but not a Future Channel that tells us what's about to happen? That's racist."

"Sleepy pilot What did the tired pilot say to his crew? I think I'm gonna crash"

"What do you call oral sex with your GF when she's menstruating? 6.9"

"If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are on a boat together, and it sinks, who survives? America"

"Haircut/Sex Correlation Jesus Joke I got that I looked like Jesus a lot when I had longer hair. It's a shame because I got a haircut and have been getting nailed less than the messiah lately."

"Fighting a lion is on my bucket list but I should probably make it the last thing."

"I once went down on a girl without knowing she was on her period Boy was my face red."

"The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right"

"According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex's house."