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Joke of the Day

"Cop: Have you been drinking sir? Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please. Cop: Step out of the vehicle. Me: Sprite."

"Roses are red, violets are blue... I've got no girlfriend, so porn hub will do."

"If you find yourself in conversation with a stutterer, it is best to shout out ""Reeeeeemix"" and scratch at invisible turntables."

"If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day"

"Donuts: The sweatpants you can eat."

"Boat Bust.Out.Another.Thousand"

"A Freudian slip... ...is where you say one thing but fuck your mother."

"Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me."

"If I got $1 every time somebody called me sexist I would walk free of a rape case"

"SON: The car's manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way. DAD: Guess you could say- SON: NO DON'T- DAD: -that's sound advice."