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Joke of the Day

"[at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan"

"What do you call a black man flying a plane? **A pilot** ... you racist"

"I hate people who say ""said no one ever"" to things I said because I literally just f-cking said it."

"I really do not understand lent... ...I'd better give up trying!"

"Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday."

"Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!"

"Somewhere in Brooklyn there's a baby named Helvetica being fussy about eating pureed kale and sleeping in his crib of repurposed bike parts."

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."

"I didn't like Age of Ultron You don't even figure out how old he is."

"""Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?"" -- My dying words if I had an aneurysm"