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Joke of the Day

"There are only 2 branches of the military... There are only 2 branches of the American Military: the Army & the Navy The Air Force is a corporation. The Marines are #*?& cult."

"Why doesn't Japan have elections? I dunno but it's probably the reason for their low birth rates."

"There's one good thing about suffering from insomnia 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas!"

"[doing standup] So I live in Kansas [hysterical laughter] That...that wasn't the joke"

"It's kind of obvious why Western countries don't eat cat Can you imagine how costly it must be to kill the same animal 9 times before you can eat it?"

"When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work."

"Went to a shrink today. She said I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!"

"Why can't America play chess? They are missing 2 towers"

"[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) ""I'll have some."""

"My top 5 exercises: -jumping to conclusions -flying off the handle -carrying things too far -dodging responsibilities -pushing my luck"