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Joke of the Day

"I just got this twitter error: ""The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it."" Apparently, twitter thinks we're married."

"Why did God make pubic hair curly? So we don't poke our eyes out."

"Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*"

"Me: ""Bond."" *lowers sunglasses* ""James Bond."" Cashier: ""You've been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?"""

"My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth."

"How does a potato keep up with it's friends? With Google chromosome+"

"The neighbors are still looking for their dog. That shit was good"

"I don't use the car horn much but I will frown harshly at bad drivers and I'm pretty sure it fucks up their day."

"My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?"

"What do you call a torturer who says a lot of puns. A PUNisher"