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Joke of the Day

"It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting."

"Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn't see a sign saying you couldn't park on pedestrians."

"""WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!?"" - Jesus, at the first Communion."

"What is DNA ? The National Dyslexic Association."

"A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it."

"I see your ""long walks on the beach"" and I raise you ""long Segway rides on beach"" *peels off on beach throwing sand in dates face*"

"I'm now on year 3 of the '7 day ab challenge'"

"Why was purple jealous? Because red blue green."

"A rehabilitated crack addict says to his doctor: ""I'm going to stay clean this time"" The doctor replied: ""I'm afraid that's just a pipe dream"""

"If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before"