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Joke of the Day

"The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle. Hell. No."

"I don't know. ""Your goose is cooked"" seems like a positive. Like someone saying, ""Hey, dinner's ready. We're having goose."""

"Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart? A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!"

"Another tasteless joke about Alzheimer's? Forget it."

"[texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it."

"Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine."

"I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, It always belongs to the uglier one."

"When a friend is about to hand me her baby, I deliberately drop my phone while yelling ""DAMN SO CLUMSY!"" and wait as she changes her mind."

"Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door."

"""Alcohol doesn't affect me"" *Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*"