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Joke of the Day
"What is Macaulay Culkin's favorite cheese? Provolone"
Next Joke
"What's the difference between yogurt and semen? ~~Semen~~ Yogurt, dammit! I meant *yogurt* doesn't hit the back of your partner's throat at 30 MPH. \* I always mess up punchlines when I'm drunk!"
"Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course."
"Question about storytelling. If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?"
"So three Rabbi's walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says ""get the fuck out"""
"ople who say they'd go back and change things in their life if they could are pussies, you don't get this awesome without the shitty parts"
"Riding a big girl is like riding a moped... Its okay until someone sees you"
"The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew."
"A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you ""I'm drunk"" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying ""I'm delicious"""
"We all bring something different to the table. I have all of my teeth and can read."