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Joke of the Day

"Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for ""all the services I provided them""."

"Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a lentil on my face before!"

"I accidentally watched some gay porn last night... ... it was the worst 28 minutes of my life."

"""I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins."" - my 4yo after I explained taxes"

"I know a cannibal who only eats women's genitalia. Sometimes I go over to their house for a clambake."

"My 5 stages of grief: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Are you gonna eat that?"

"What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building? Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building"

"What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!"

"[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never"