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Joke of the Day

"What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Ten-ish"

"I'd write a rap song... ..but i'm too Lay-Z"

"Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like ""now what?""...all talk eh boys?"

"2038. walking to work i see a toilet drone flying by. i do the special hand clap and it flies down and lets me use it then thanks me"

"Wanna hear something really disappointing? Too bad."

"Whats the most common day to get sick on? Achoosday"

"TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty."

"Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women."

"Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair (Dont hate me)"

"In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me"