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Joke of the Day

"My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn. Worst. Childproofer. Ever."

"I decided to write down all the pieces of classical music I want to play before I die... ...it's my bucket Liszt."

"Me: ""Goodnight Bed."" Bed: ""New foam who dis?"""

"Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary"

"How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!"

"""I just want to meet a nice guy."" -Girls who exclusively date assholes"

"Oh vajazzled is definitely going on my bucket list. I'll pity the fool that has to jazzle my vag."

"His icy glare melts my creamy core. He's so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him. -Oreo to milk"

"What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? Roamin' Catholic"

"If there isn't a Chinese millionaire called 'Cha Ching' I will be so disappointed."