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Joke of the Day

"SECURITY GUARD: ""Sir, I have to check all backpacks"" ME: ""ok"" *opens backpack* *its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*"

"""No Kanye, it's called Coney Island."" ""Kanye Island."" ""Coney Island"" ""Kanye Island."" ""Co... ney."" ""Kan... ye."""

"Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it."

"I lost my first cage fight last night .. not all dogs want cuddles."

"I'm pitching a prison dating show called 'America's Next Top Bottom'"

"My wife said, ""Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?"" I said, ""well, you are in a wheelchair""."

"Boss: why do you deserve this promotion? Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant B: what drugs are you on? Me: good ones *leaves*"

"I haven't spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted."

"Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? Because they couldn't find a virgin or three wise men."

"What does a vulture bring onto a plane? Carrion luggage"