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Joke of the Day

"Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms? Kids: WE DO! YAY!"

"The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you're in fight club."

"I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them"

"Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would to if your name was auhmonahahha"

"What do you mean you're not going to spank me? I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?"

"(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech."

"""I'm sorry"" and ""my bad"" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral."

"If at first I don't succeed, I've already met my wife's expectations."

"There's a new drinking game... You draw a random card from a deck & if it's black you take a shot.... We call it ""Ferguson"""

"My girlfriend nicknamed me after a piece of classical music She calls me Canon in D Major"