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Joke of the Day

"My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear."

"Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better."

"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!"

"I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge."

"Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME"

"My thai-girlfriend told me it's ok to have a small penis I would still prefer that she had a vagina. EDIT: Grammar thx to /u/Jarabar"

"Knock knock... Who's there? Dunup Dunup who?"

"If you work for Samsung.. does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?"

"You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook."

"My grandpa dropped this one on me over the phone. I'll see you in church, make sure you sit by the window."