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Joke of the Day

"8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor? Me: I just did 438 sit ups. 8: sounds legit. I've taught her well."

"What do you get when you mix pie and onions? Opinions!"

"Who said ""Shiver me timbers!"" on the ghost ship? The skeleton crew."

"Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?"

"What do you call a thieving duck? A robber duck...."

"I've made 20,000 tweets. And I've never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny."

"What is the friendliest kind of aircraft? A Hello-copter."

"News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say. *cut to correspondent* Correspondent: This."

"[in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ..."

"[pick-up line] Your like perfect ionizing energy to my electrons ... You really make me excited"